Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Day 14 - Jephtha’s Daughter (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 14 - Jephtha’s Daughter (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Yesterday we had a story of women’s power in a tale of Deborah the Judge and Jael the tent spiker. Today is a story of women’s powerlessness, how they so often are at the mercy of the abusive and terrible whims of men. Being Halloween day, one thinks also of the “witches” of old that were generally simply women who didn’t fit the established idea of “norma” who were brutally murdered or mistreated - and people would continue to say “Be afraid of the witches!” instead of “Be afraid of the evil men who try to justify their violence!” 


In this scripture story, Jephthah is a warrior of the Hebrew people in the time they were trying to take the Promised Land from the people who already lived there, and this is a story of a horrific vow he makes and the consequences that his daughter must bear.


Judges 11:30 And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord and said, “If you will give the Ammonites into my hand, 31 then whatever[b] comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return victorious from the Ammonites, shall be the Lord’s, to be offered up by me as a burnt offering.” 32 So Jephthah crossed over to the Ammonites to fight against them, and the Lord gave them into his hand. 33 He inflicted a massive defeat on them from Aroer to the neighborhood of Minnith, twenty towns, and as far as Abel-keramim. So the Ammonites were subdued before the Israelites.


34 Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah, and there was his daughter coming out to meet him with timbrels and with dancing. She was his only child; he had no son or daughter except her. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and said, “Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low; you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the Lord, and I cannot take back my vow.” 36 She said to him, “My father, if you have opened your mouth to the Lord, do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, now that the Lord has given you vengeance against your enemies, the Ammonites.” 37 And she said to her father, “Let this thing be done for me: grant me two months, so that I may go and wander[c] on the mountains and bewail my virginity, my companions and I.” 38 “Go,” he said, and he sent her away for two months. So she departed, she and her companions, and bewailed her virginity on the mountains. 39 At the end of two months, she returned to her father, who did with her according to the vow he had made. She had never slept with a man. So there arose an Israelite custom that 40 for four days every year the daughters of Israel would go out to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite.


This is the last of the 14 stories, as today is Halloween and I am done. But there are many more stories that I skipped which you can find by reading the Bible. It really is quite interesting!


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



Monday, October 30, 2023

Day 13 - Death By Tent Peg (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 13 - Death By Tent Peg (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Today’s is a story of two women: a Judge named Deborah, and a warrior’s wife named Jael. From the Book of Judges, which describes the time when the Israelites had finished their wilderness wandering and were trying to find their place in the Promised Land, waging war against the people who already lived there. The people do a lot of bad, and so the book of Judges uses this refrain “...did what was evil in the sight of the Lord” quite often to introduce new stories.


Judges 4:1 The Israelites again did what was evil in the sight of the Lord, after Ehud died. 2 So the Lord sold them into the hand of King Jabin of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor; the commander of his army was Sisera, who lived in Harosheth-ha-goiim. 3 Then the Israelites cried out to the Lord for help, for he had nine hundred chariots of iron and had oppressed the Israelites cruelly twenty years. 4 At that time Deborah, a prophet, wife of Lappidoth, was judging Israel. … 6 She sent and summoned Barak son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali and said to him, “The Lord, the God of Israel, commands you, ‘Position yourself at Mount Tabor, taking ten thousand from the tribe of Naphtali and the tribe of Zebulun. 7 I will draw out Sisera, the general of Jabin’s army, … and I will give him into your hand.’ 



12 When Sisera was told that Barak son of Abinoam had gone up to Mount Tabor, 13 Sisera called out all his chariots. 14 Then Deborah said to Barak, “Up! For this is the day on which the Lord has given Sisera into your hand. Has not the Lord gone out before you?” So Barak went down from Mount Tabor with ten thousand warriors following him. 15 And the Lord threw Sisera and all his chariots and all his army into a panic[b] before Barak; Sisera got down from his chariot and fled away on foot. 16 All the army of Sisera fell by the sword; not one was left.


17 Now Sisera had fled away on foot to the tent of Jael wife of Heber the Kenite, for there was peace between King Jabin of Hazor and the clan of Heber the Kenite. 18 Jael came out to meet Sisera and said to him, “Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; have no fear.” So he turned aside to her into the tent, and she covered him with a rug. 19 Then he said to her, “Please give me a little water to drink, for I am thirsty.” So she opened a skin of milk and gave him a drink and covered him. 20 He said to her, “Stand at the entrance of the tent, and if anybody comes and asks you, ‘Is anyone here?’ say, ‘No.’ ” 21 But Jael wife of Heber took a tent peg and took a hammer in her hand and went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple, until it went down into the ground—he was lying fast asleep from weariness—and he died. 


Death by tent peg. Not a noble way to die, I should imagine. And to be killed by a woman, too, even more humiliating. Women power!


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



Day 12 - Swallowed up by the Earth (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 12 - Swallowed up by the Earth (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)


Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Today’s story is one of punishment for some people who rebelled against Moses. During the Hebrew peoples’ time in the wilderness, three men - Korah, Dathan, and Abiram - gathered 250 other men and rebelled against the authority of Moses and Aaron. So Moses set up a test for them to show who should be the leader:


Numbers 16:16 And Moses said to Korah, “As for you and all your congregation, be present tomorrow before the Lord, you and they and Aaron, 17 and let each one of you take his censer and put incense on it and each one of you present his censer before the Lord, two hundred fifty censers, you also, and Aaron, each his censer.” 18 So each man took his censer, and they put fire in the censers and laid incense on them, and they stood at the entrance of the tent of meeting with Moses and Aaron. 19 Then Korah assembled the whole congregation against them at the entrance of the tent of meeting. And the glory of the Lord appeared to the whole congregation.




31b … the ground under them was split apart. 32 The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up, along with their households—everyone who belonged to Korah and all their goods. 33 So they with all that belonged to them went down alive into Sheol; the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly. 34 All Israel around them fled at their outcry, for they said, “The earth will swallow us, too!” 35 And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the two hundred fifty men offering the incense.


Swallowed up by the earth! That’s a dramatic image, isn’t it? The 40 years in the wilderness includes many stories of harsh punishments. Even this one, the death of 250, is immediately followed with the people rebelling against Moses because of the 250 swallowed up by the earth and God punishes them by killing 14,700 of them with a deadly plague until Aaron intervenes to stop it. That’s a whole Halloween-style movie just in this one chapter of Numbers!


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



 

Saturday, October 28, 2023

Day 11 - The Writing on the Wall (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 11 - The Writing on the Wall (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Another story not in the lectionary is this one from Daniel. This “Writing on the Wall” story is kind of famous - at least, famous enough that it was a Final Jeopardy clue a few years ago - so I find it strange that it’s not in the lectionary, but you can read my blog on Day 1 for my longer rant on the lectionary. I won’t repeat it here! Let’s get to the story!


Israel was conquered by Nebuchadnezzar of the Babylonian Empire, and many of the Jewish people were taken into exile, the city of Jerusalem was destroyed, the temple was destroyed, and the temple was also looted of its riches and holy artifacts. 


Daniel ends up in Babylon, and has provided dream interpretation for Nebuchadnezzar, including interpreting his downfall. Nebuchadnezzar then has a downfall (which is repeated in this passage, so I won’t say it here). 


This story takes place right as King Belshazzar, his son, comes into power. 


Daniel 5:1 King Belshazzar made a great feast for a thousand of his lords, and he was drinking wine in the presence of the thousand. 2 Under the influence of the wine, Belshazzar commanded that they bring in the vessels of gold and silver that his father Nebuchadnezzar had taken out of the temple in Jerusalem, so that the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines might drink from them. 3 So they brought in the vessels of gold that had been taken out of the temple, the house of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines drank from them. 4 They drank the wine and praised the gods of gold and silver, bronze, iron, wood, and stone.


5 Immediately the fingers of a human hand appeared and began writing on the plaster of the wall of the royal palace, next to the lampstand. The king was watching the hand as it wrote. 6 Then the king’s face turned pale, and his thoughts terrified him. His limbs gave way, and his knees knocked together. 7 The king cried aloud to bring in the enchanters, the Chaldeans, and the diviners, and the king said to the wise men of Babylon, “Whoever can read this writing and tell me its interpretation shall be clothed in purple, have a chain of gold around his neck, and rank third in the kingdom.” 8 Then all the king’s wise men came in, but they could not read the writing or tell the king the interpretation. 9 Then King Belshazzar became greatly terrified, and his face turned pale, and his lords were perplexed.


10 The queen, when she heard the discussion of the king and his lords, came into the banquet hall. The queen said, “O king, live forever! Do not let your thoughts terrify you or your face grow pale. 11 There is a man in your kingdom who is endowed with a spirit of the holy gods.[a] In the days of your father he was found to have enlightenment, understanding, and wisdom like the wisdom of the gods. Your father, King Nebuchadnezzar, made him chief of the magicians, enchanters, Chaldeans, and diviners,[b] 12 because an excellent spirit, knowledge, and understanding to interpret dreams, explain riddles, and solve problems were found in this Daniel, whom the king named Belteshazzar. Now let Daniel be called, and he will reveal the interpretation.”


[we skip a few verses wherein Daniel is brought in]


17 Then Daniel answered in the presence of the king, “Let your gifts be for yourself, or give your rewards to someone else! Nevertheless I will read the writing to the king and let him know the interpretation. 18 As for you, O king, the Most High God gave your father Nebuchadnezzar kingship, greatness, glory, and majesty. 19 And because of the greatness that he gave him, all peoples, nations, and languages trembled and feared before him. He killed those he wanted to kill, kept alive those he wanted to keep alive, honored those he wanted to honor, and degraded those he wanted to degrade. 20 But when his heart was lifted up and his spirit was hardened so that he acted proudly, he was deposed from his kingly throne, and his glory was stripped from him. 21 He was driven from human society, and his mind was made like that of an animal. His dwelling was with the wild asses, he was fed grass like oxen, and his body was bathed with the dew of heaven, until he learned that the Most High God has sovereignty over the kingdom of mortals and sets over it whomever he will. 22 And you, Belshazzar his son, have not humbled your heart, even though you knew all this! 23 You have exalted yourself against the Lord of heaven! The vessels of his temple have been brought in before you, and you and your lords, your wives, and your concubines have been drinking wine from them. You have praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood, and stone, which do not see or hear or know, but the God in whose power is your very breath and to whom belong all your ways, you have not honored.


24 “So from his presence the hand was sent and this writing was inscribed. 25 And this is the writing that was inscribed: mene,[d] tekel, and parsin. 26 This is the interpretation of the matter: mene: God has numbered the days of[e] your kingdom and brought it to an end; 27 tekel: you have been weighed on the scales and found wanting; 28 peres:[f] your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.”


29 Then Belshazzar gave the command, and Daniel was clothed in purple, a chain of gold was put around his neck, and a proclamation was made concerning him that he should rank third in the kingdom.


30 That very night Belshazzar, the Chaldean king, was killed. 31 [g]And Darius the Mede received the kingdom, being about sixty-two years old.


Mysterious hand out of nowhere writes some words on a wall that no one can read except one of the captured people (Daniel), and the words then turn out to be words of judgment against Belshazzar. That’s the stuff of a paranormal/spooky movie right there! Most of Daniel is kind of weird this way - it’s in a genre known as apocalyptic literature (also in that genre is the Book of Revelation), written by oppressed people, which uses lots of fantastic imagery as a code to talk about mundane things in ways that the oppressors won’t understand it’s talking about them. This chapter in Daniel isn’t really of that sort, but the imagery here is still quite supernatural, and so fitting for this lead in to Halloween.


Note: mene, tekel, and parsin (or upharsin) are Aramaic words. Mene is “to be numbered”; tekel is “to be weighed (as on a balance)”, and upharsin is “to split up” or “to divide”. 


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 


Day 10 - Ezekiel Judges While Cooking on Dung (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 10 - Ezekiel Judges While Cooking on Dung (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


The book of Ezekiel has some strange and wondrous stories in it. Some of his visions would work well as backgrounds for psychedelic band concerts. Ezekiel is the one who had the vision of the valley filled with dried bones that he brings back to life to symbolize that the country of Israel would be reborn. Some of the things that Ezekiel did as prophetic acts are up in the realm of some of the weirdest performance artists. Today is one of those stories: Ezekiel lies on his side for more than a year and eats and drinks and condemns Israel and Judah for their sins against God. God is very specific about Ezekiel building a model of Jerusalem, how many days he will lie down and which side he will lie on, what he will eat and how much, and how he shall cook it. Though notice that Ezekiel manages one point of negotiation with God about the fuel source. This passage is not in the lectionary. Here it is:


Ezekiel 4:1 “And you, O mortal, take a brick and set it before you. On it portray a city, Jerusalem, 2 and put siegeworks against it, and build a siege wall against it, and cast up a ramp against it; set camps also against it, and plant battering rams against it all around. 3 Then take an iron plate and place it as an iron wall between you and the city; set your face toward it, and let it be in a state of siege, and press the siege against it. This is a sign for the house of Israel.


4 “Then lie on your left side and place the guilt of the house of Israel upon it; you shall bear their guilt for the number of the days that you lie there. 5 For I assign to you a number of days, three hundred ninety days, equal to the number of the years of their guilt, and so you shall bear the guilt of the house of Israel. 6 When you have completed these, you shall lie down a second time, but on your right side, and bear the guilt of the house of Judah; forty days I assign you, one day for each year. 7 You shall set your face toward the siege of Jerusalem, and with your arm bared you shall prophesy against it. 8 See, I am putting cords on you so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have completed the days of your siege.


9 “And you, take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them into one vessel and make bread for yourself. During the number of days that you lie on your side, three hundred ninety days, you shall eat it. 10 The food that you eat shall be twenty shekels a day by weight [ed. about 8 ounces total]; at fixed times you shall eat it. 11 And you shall drink water by measure, one-sixth of a hin [ed. about 1 quart]; at fixed times you shall drink. 12 You shall eat it as a barley cake, baking it in their sight on human dung.” 13 The Lord said, “Thus shall the people of Israel eat their bread, unclean, among the nations to which I will drive them.” 14 Then I said, “Ah Lord God! I have never defiled myself; from my youth up until now I have never eaten what died of itself or was torn by animals, nor has carrion flesh come into my mouth.” 15 Then he said to me, “See, I will let you have cow’s dung instead of human dung, on which you may prepare your bread.”


16 Then he said to me, “Mortal, I am going to cut off the supply of bread[a] in Jerusalem; they shall eat bread by weight and with fearfulness, and they shall drink water by measure and in dismay. 17 Lacking bread and water, they will look at one another in dismay and waste away under their punishment.


Lots of strange in there. Post your thoughts below.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 


Thursday, October 26, 2023

Day 9 - Bears and Children and Angry Prophets (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 9 - Bears and Children and Angry Prophets (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)


Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Today we have another story with animals. This is from 2 Kings, about the prophet Elisha and some kids and the state of his pate.


2 Kings 2:23 Elisha went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!” 24 When he turned around and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. 25 From there he went on to Mount Carmel and then returned to Samaria.


Pretty awful all on its own, but also awful is that this story is offered and then totally glossed over - never mentioned again, no commentary added like “This was an awful thing to do” or even “This was righteous and good”. It just sits there, dropped into our lap as if by a wandering stranger who appears, gives it, and then disappears, offering no context or reason. As one who was often bullied, I resonate with Elisha’s desire for vengeance here, but even so, it’s very much beyond the pale.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Day 8 - Ark of the Covenant Brings Death and Calamity (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 8 - Ark of the Covenant Brings Death and Calamity (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


I saw the first Indiana Jones movie in the theater when I was 15 years old. I’m not sure why my older sister and her boyfriend decided to bring me along when they saw it, but in their good graces they probably realized that the movie was more my kind of movie than it was theirs. Whatever the reason, I’m very grateful they did. It was awesome! The scene in which the Nazis open the ark of the covenant and get melted, blown up, and otherwise killed in many nasty and ugly ways was pretty cool. I find it impossible to feel bad for Nazis. It was a very cool movie. 


Now, before seeing the movie I had never heard of the Ark of the Covenant. So I was curious - is it a real thing? Is it really mentioned in the Bible? So I did some research. I don’t remember what kind of research - there was no Internet then - but maybe I just pulled open a Bible and started looking. Or maybe I called my pastor. Anyway, whatever the method, I found that by golly it was a real thing! And not just mentioned in a one-off in scripture: it was a very important item that gets mentioned in numerous books and plays a role in the long history of Israel. The two tablets of Moses are said to be in it, as well as Aaron’s rod and a jar of manna.


Also, I found out in seminary, the Ark can be destructive of its enemies like it was against the Nazis in the movie. Not with melting faces, but with plagues and tumors and death. The Philistines discovered that when they captured the Ark, sometime after they had entered the Promised Land, but before they had a king. Here is that story:


1 Samuel 4:10 So the Philistines fought; Israel was defeated, and they fled, everyone to his home. There was a very great slaughter, for there fell of Israel thirty thousand foot soldiers. 11 The ark of God was captured, and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, died.


(then skip the part about Eli dying from shock upon hearing the news the ark had been captured; and the part about Eli’s daughter giving birth because of her shock at the news)


1 Samuel 5:1 When the Philistines captured the ark of God, they brought it from Ebenezer to Ashdod; 2 then the Philistines took the ark of God and brought it into the house of Dagon [one of the Philistine gods] and placed it beside [a statue of] Dagon. 3 When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face to the ground before the ark of the Lord. So they took Dagon and put him back in his place. 4 But when they rose early on the next morning, Dagon had fallen on his face to the ground before the ark of the Lord, and the head of Dagon and both his hands were lying cut off upon the threshold; only the trunk of[a] Dagon was left to him. 5 This is why the priests of Dagon and all who enter the house of Dagon do not step on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.


6 The hand of the Lord was heavy upon the people of Ashdod, and he terrified and struck them with tumors, both in Ashdod and in its territory. 7 And when the inhabitants of Ashdod saw how things were, they said, “The ark of the God of Israel must not remain with us, for his hand is heavy on us and on our god Dagon.” 8 So they sent and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines and said, “What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel?” The inhabitants of Gath replied, “Let the ark of God be moved on to us.”[b] So they moved the ark of the God of Israel to Gath.[c] 9 But after they had brought it to Gath,[d] the hand of the Lord was against the city, causing a very great panic; he struck the inhabitants of the city, both young and old, so that tumors broke out on them. 10 So they sent the ark of the God of Israel[e] to Ekron. But when the ark of God came to Ekron, the people of Ekron cried out, “Why[f] have they brought around to us[g] the ark of the God of Israel to kill us and our[h] people?” 11 They sent therefore and gathered together all the lords of the Philistines and said, “Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it return to its own place, that it may not kill us and our[i] people.” For there was a deathly panic throughout the whole city. The hand of God was very heavy there; 12 those who did not die were stricken with tumors, and the cry of the city went up to heaven.


The Philistines kept the Ark for seven months and then sent it back to the Israelites because they realized they were playing with something very dangerous. They also included some gifts as a guilt offering: five gold tumors and five gold mice.


Probably a good idea.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 


You can read about the death of Eli and his daughter giving birth 
















Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Day 7 - Moses Saved by Foreskin when God tries to Kill Him (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 7 - Moses Saved by Foreskin when God tries to Kill Him (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Today we get what I think is one of the weirdest stories from the Bible. Moses has left Egypt (after he killed the guy and fled), married a woman named Zipporah, and is now working for her father tending sheep. One day, he encounters God in a burning bush (one that is not consumed by the fire), and in that exchange God tells Moses to go to Pharaoh. Most people, even non-religious ones, know of Moses and the burning bush an the command to go to Pharaoh and say, “Let my people go!” 


But not many, even people in the church, know of these three little verses that happen after Moses and God are done talking and Moses agrees to do what God has called him to do:


Exodus 4:24 On the way, at a place where they spent the night, the Lord met him and tried to kill him. 25 But Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin, touched his feet with it, and said, “Truly you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” 26 So he let him alone. It was then that she said “a bridegroom of blood,” because of the circumcision.


There you go. A little treasure of God trying to kill the guy that God just spoke with, which attack is then stemmed by Zipporah circumcising their baby and doing a proxy circumcision on Moses.


Why is this story here? No one really knows. In my first Old Testament class in seminary, this was one of the four texts (all equally weird) that we could do our first exegesis paper on. I chose this passage. And did a lot of research. And found out, no one really knows why it’s here, and almost no one is at all clear about how to interpret it. Some think that maybe this had been part of a larger story, and over the years, the rest of the story get left out until only this nugget remains. But so far as I know, no one has ever found any old fragments that might be whatever that theoretical larger story was. 


So I guess the lesson is that if you are an uncircumcised male, it might be good to always travel with a flint. You know, just in case.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



Monday, October 23, 2023

Day 6 - The Witch of Endor (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 6 - The Witch of Endor (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


Saul was the first king of Israel, who was made king against the advice of the prophet Samuel and even of God*.Samuel warned the people many times about what a king would do, but they demanded to have one, so Samuel anointed Saul. The people should have listened to Samuel and God. The Witch of Endor story takes place toward the end of Saul’s 20-year reign when he was besieged by Philistines and worried about what to do. Since he was not a good king, and was unfaithful to God, he was not able to get advice from God about what to do so he goes to see a witch…


1 Samuel 28:3 Now Samuel had died, and all Israel had mourned for him and buried him in Ramah, his own city. Saul had expelled the mediums and the wizards from the land. 4 The Philistines assembled and came and encamped at Shunem. Saul gathered all Israel, and they encamped at Gilboa. 5 When Saul saw the army of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart trembled greatly. 6 When Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord did not answer him, not by dreams or by Urim or by prophets. 7 Then Saul said to his servants, “Seek out for me a woman who is a medium, so that I may go to her and inquire of her.” His servants said to him, “There is a medium at Endor.”


8 So Saul disguised himself and put on other clothes and went there, he and two men with him. They came to the woman by night. And he said, “Consult a spirit for me, and bring up for me the one whom I name to you.” 9 The woman said to him, “Surely you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off the mediums and the wizards from the land. Why then are you laying a snare for my life to bring about my death?” 10 But Saul swore to her by the Lord, “As the Lord lives, no punishment shall come upon you for this thing.” 11 Then the woman said, “Whom shall I bring up for you?” He answered, “Bring up Samuel for me.” 12 When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out with a loud voice, and the woman said to Saul, “Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!” 13 The king said to her, “Have no fear; what do you see?” The woman said to Saul, “I see a divine being[a] coming up out of the ground.” 14 He said to her, “What is his appearance?” She said, “An old man is coming up; he is wrapped in a robe.” So Saul knew that it was Samuel, and he bowed with his face to the ground and did obeisance.


15 Then Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?” Saul answered, “I am in great distress, for the Philistines are warring against me, and God has turned away from me and answers me no more, either by prophets or by dreams, so I have summoned you to tell me what I should do.” 16 Samuel said, “Why then do you ask me, since the Lord has turned from you and become your enemy? 17 The Lord has done to you just as he spoke by me, for the Lord has torn the kingdom out of your hand and given it to your neighbor, David. 18 Because you did not obey the voice of the Lord and did not carry out his fierce wrath against Amalek, therefore the Lord has done this thing to you today. 19 Moreover, the Lord will give Israel along with you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons shall be with me; the Lord will also give the army of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.”


20 Immediately Saul fell full length on the ground filled with fear because of the words of Samuel, and there was no strength in him, for he had eaten nothing all day and all night. 21 The woman came to Saul, and when she saw that he was terrified, she said to him, “Your servant has listened to you; I have taken my life in my hand and have listened to what you have said to me. 22 Now, therefore, you also listen to your servant; let me set a morsel of bread before you. Eat, that you may have strength when you go on your way.” 23 He refused and said, “I will not eat.” But his servants, together with the woman, urged him, and he listened to their words. So he got up from the ground and sat on the bed. 24 Now the woman had a fatted calf in the house. She quickly slaughtered it, and she took flour, kneaded it, and baked unleavened cakes. 25 She put them before Saul and his servants, and they ate. Then they rose and went away that night.


Not a good turnout for Saul - and just a few chapters later, while in a large battle, Saul is surrounded by enemies and to keep them from killing him (he doesn’t want to be killed by an uncircumcised Philstine!), he falls on his own sword:


1 Samuel 31:1 Now the Philistines fought against Israel, and the men of Israel fled before the Philistines, and many fell[a] on Mount Gilboa. 2 The Philistines overtook Saul and his sons, and the Philistines killed Jonathan and Abinadab and Malchishua, the sons of Saul. 3 The battle pressed hard on Saul, and the archers found him, and he was badly wounded by them. 4 Then Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and thrust me through with it, so that these uncircumcised may not come and thrust me through and make sport of me.” But his armor-bearer was unwilling, for he was terrified. So Saul took his own sword and fell on it. 5 When his armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he also fell on his sword and died with him. 6 So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together on the same day. 7 When the men of Israel who were on the other side of the valley and those beyond the Jordan saw that the men of Israel had fled and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook their towns and fled, and the Philistines came and occupied them.


8 The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. 9 They cut off his head, stripped off his armor, and sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to carry the good news to the houses of their idols and to the people. 10 They put his armor in the temple of Astarte,[b] and they fastened his body to the wall of Beth-shan. 11 But when the inhabitants of Jabesh-gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul, 12 all the valiant men set out, traveled all night long, and took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Beth-shan. They came to Jabesh and burned them there. 13 Then they took their bones and buried them under the tamarisk tree in Jabesh and fasted seven days.


This story is not in the lectionary at all, which is too bad; but it does show up as one of the texts for the Anglican All Hallow’s Eve worship service (All Hallow’s Eve meaning Halloween, the night before All Souls Day). The next king of Israel will be David.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 


* for what a king would do, we go back to 1 Samuel 8:

1 Samuel 8:10 So Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking for a king from him. 11 He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots. 12 And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots. 13 He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. 14 He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants. 15 He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants. 16 He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men[a] and your donkeys, and put them to his work. 17 He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves. 18 And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

Sunday, October 22, 2023

Day 5 - Preaching so Long, People Die (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

 Day 5 - Preaching so Long, People Die (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)


Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


For Day 5 of this series, we move into the New Testament, to the book of the Acts of the Apostles, in which Paul preaches long enough for someone to die. This one is not in the lectionary, either. Which is too bad - it could be a fun one to preach on.


Acts 20:7 On the first day of the week, when we met to break bread, Paul was holding a discussion with them; since he intended to leave the next day, he continued speaking until midnight. 8 There were many lamps in the room upstairs where we were meeting. 9 A young man named Eutychus, who was sitting in the window, began to sink off into a deep sleep while Paul talked still longer. Overcome by sleep, he fell to the ground three floors below and was picked up dead. 10 But Paul went down and bending over him took him in his arms and said, “Do not be alarmed, for his life is in him.” 11 Then Paul went upstairs, and after he had broken bread and eaten, he continued to converse with them until dawn; then he left. 12 Meanwhile they had taken the boy away alive and were not a little comforted.


Thankfully, Paul brought the young man back to life. But notice that other than taking a break to fix him up and then share bread in thanksgiving, Paul doesn’t let this young lad's death interrupt his speaking any more than needed.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 



Saturday, October 21, 2023

Day 4 - Playing with Unholy Fire (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

 Day 4: Playing with Unholy Fire

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


No animals in today’s story, just a couple of guys who disobey God. A short story about two of Aaron’s sons, taking place while the Hebrew people were wandering the desert after their exodus from Egyptian slavery. This story is not in the lectionary, and probably most of you have never heard it before. 


Leviticus 10:1 Now Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu each took his censer, put fire in it, and laid incense on it, and they offered unholy fire before the Lord, such as he had not commanded them. 2 And fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord. 3 Then Moses said to Aaron, “This is what the Lord meant when he said,


‘Through those who are near me

    I will show myself holy,

and before all the people

    I will be glorified.’ ”


And Aaron was silent.


Rough stuff. Be careful playing with unholy fire.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition.


Friday, October 20, 2023

Day 3: Death by Worms

Day 3: Death by Worms


Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies


On Days 1 and 2 we had talking animals. Today is another type of animal: worms! These don’t speak, but they do fulfill God’s mission of killing a blasphemer. The language they speak is that eating a man's flesh in divine judgment, and they speak it upon Herod Agrippa I, King of Judea (and other areas). He was the grandson of Herod the Great, another terrible person (and through incestual relations somewhat common among the rich and powerful, Herod the Great was also Agrippa’s great-uncle). Herod the Great killed Herod Agrippa’s father (who was also his uncle), Alexander, as part of court intrigue and politics. Herod Agrippa I learned well about violence and power from his grandfather and his friends the Emperors Tiberius, Caligula, and Claudius.


Here's the story!

From the book of Acts, Chapter 12.


20 Now Herod was angry with the people of Tyre and Sidon. So they came to him in a body, and after winning over Blastus, the king’s personal attendant, they asked for a reconciliation, because their country depended on the king’s country for food. 21 On an appointed day Herod put on his royal robes, took his seat on the platform, and delivered a public address to them. 22 The people kept shouting, “The voice of a god and not of a mortal!” 23 And immediately, because he had not given the glory to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died.


Notice that he doesn’t die until he was eaten by worms. God’s striking down wasn’t death, but to be struck down with worms that then slowly ate him until he died. Horrible. History reports that Agrippa did have some large public gathering in which the people proclaimed him a god and he did not say to them that he wasn’t, then two days later was affected by a painful stomach something-or-other and died five days later.


Chew on that image this Halloween season.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 


Thursday, October 19, 2023

Day 2 - A Talking Donkey?! (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 2: A Talking Donkey and a Wrathful Angel

Biblical stories that could make good horror/paranormal movies

Yesterday, we had a talking snake. Today’s story includes a talking donkey! Not from the movie Shrek, but a story from the book of Numbers. This passage is not in the lectionary which is too bad, because it’s a fun and strange story. I see this story referenced often by atheists trying to prove how unbelievable the Bible is and see it in lists of weird Bible stories. It’s certainly fantastic, in the classic definition of “imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality”. For me, stories like this are one reason I so enjoy reading the Old Testament.


As Moses is leading the Hebrew people into the land of milk and honey after forty years in the wilderness (a land which was already occupied, mind you), they are in the plains of Moab east of the Jordan. Balak, the king of Moab, is worried because they defeated two neighboring kings. He summons the prophet Balaam to come to curse the Hebrews. Balaam is told by God not to go. Balak sends messengers again, and again God tells Balaam not to. Balak sends messengers a third time. God gives permission, so long as Balaam says only the words that God gives him AND if the messengers ask him again. The messengers do not ask him again, but Balaam goes anyway, and that’s where we pick up our story. So we have the weirdness of God finally giving permission, but then quickly becoming angry that Balaam goes; and the weirdness of the way that God tries to stop Balaam, and how Balaam is saved by his donkey. 


Numbers 22:22 God’s anger was kindled because he was going, and the angel of the Lord took his stand in the road as his adversary. Now he was riding on the donkey, and his two servants were with him. 23 The donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road, with a drawn sword in his hand, so the donkey turned off the road and went into the field, and Balaam struck the donkey, to turn it back onto the road. 24 Then the angel of the Lord stood in a narrow path between the vineyards, with a wall on either side. 25 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it scraped against the wall and scraped Balaam’s foot against the wall, so he struck it again. 26 Then the angel of the Lord went ahead and stood in a narrow place, where there was no way to turn either to the right or to the left. 27 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he struck the donkey with his staff. 28 Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?” 29 Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have made a fool of me! I wish I had a sword in my hand! I would kill you right now!” 30 But the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey, which you have ridden all your life to this day? Have I been in the habit of treating you this way?” And he said, “No.”


31 Then the Lord opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road, with his drawn sword in his hand, and he bowed down, falling on his face. 32 The angel of the Lord said to him, “Why have you struck your donkey these three times? I have come out as an adversary because your way is perverse[d] before me. 33 The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away from me, surely just now I would have killed you and let it live.” 34 Then Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, “I have sinned, for I did not know that you were standing in the road to oppose me. Now therefore, if it is displeasing to you, I will return home.” 35 The angel of the Lord said to Balaam, “Go with the men, but speak only what I tell you to speak.” So Balaam went on with the officials of Balak.


Balaam ends up blessing the Hebrew people in three separate situations as Balak tries to get him to curse them. He is later slain by the Hebrews in a battle, and ends up with not a good place in history: he is mentioned a few times in the New Testament, and not favorably but as an example of bad faith, adding even some more oddness to the story.


Would it make a good movie? I think so. Or if not a whole movie, an episode of Alfred Hitchcock presents or the Twilight Zone. Especially if the later references in the New Testament are included. Maybe the movie opens with a child asking the writer of the letter of Jude or the book of Revelation "Who was Balaam?" and then a flashback to tell the story, then back to the current time as the writer finishes his writing with his anti-Balaam words and tells the kid some final witty retort about Balaam being a bad example of faithfulness.


All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. 

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Day 1 - a talking snake! (Spooky/Scary/Weird stories from the Bible)

Day 1: A Talking Snake and a Flaming Sword


Introduction to this new series:


The Bible has a lot of stories that probably many have never heard - those who are part of churches that use the Revised Common Lectionary are only hearing about 40% of the Bible over the three-year cycle. That leaves out a lot of stories! We get maybe 15% of the Old Testament, 75% of the New Testament, and only 110 or so of the 150 Psalms. It’s a shame how much is left out - and in my own opinion, it definitely comes across that the creators of the Revised Common Lectionary were afraid of many of the scary/terrifying/violent texts. If one looks through the Psalms, for example, at the ones that are missing or the verses that are missing from the Psalms that are included, they are often of the sort of “I want my opponents to die” or “God will destroy them and send them to Sheol!” or are strong in lament or suffering. For example, Psalm 88 does not show up at all, even though it can be a cathartic and helpful lament for people who are sick and suffering, who feel like the world is crashing down around them and that God doesn't care or is entirely absent. For Psalm 62, the lectionary includes only verses 1-8, which are very nice words, but verses 9 through 11 are left out. These verses are: 


9 But those who seek to destroy my life

    shall go down into the depths of the earth;

10 they shall be given over to the power of the sword;

    they shall be prey for jackals.

11 But the king shall rejoice in God;

    all who swear by him shall exult,

    for the mouths of liars will be stopped.


I’m not sure why the lectionary creators were so afraid of texts like these. Were they uncomfortable with the words? Or did they think that the average preacher wouldn’t know how to handle such verses? Do they think the people in the pews aren’t spiritually mature enough to hear such texts? I simply don’t know, but it feels kind of insulting that they apparently felt the need to scrub and whitewash the biblical texts so that we wouldn’t be made uncomfortable or be challenged or that we aren't trustworthy enough to be the holders of such sacred, but difficult, texts. Whatever it is they thought they were saving us from, I wish they had trusted us all instead. But that's my own soapbox lament about the lectionary, and I won't mention it again in this series, I promise!


So to make up for these deficiencies, I’m exploring passages from the Bible that mostly get left out, and many of which I imagine the majority of folks in the pews have never heard (or read, since so many people don’t read their Bibles, and so can be quite surprised at some of the stuff in it), and which I think could also make for a terrific Halloween-style movie. I’m going to post a story and a little commentary each day from now until Halloween.


Today's Story:


Today we start the series with a story that begins with a talking snake and ends with a levitating, flaming sword. It’s a story that most people know - even people not at all involved in Judaism, Christianity, or Islam! It’s a big part of Western culture. But for some reason, the story is cut up and shows up as separate parts in the lectionary over different years. And since it’s likely not being read in churches as a full story (and often, probably skipped over entirely), many of us might have some mistaken memories of what’s actually in the story because we’re only hearing about it in references in TV shows, movies, books, articles, etc., or getting it piecemeal and incomplete.


So here it is.


Context: this is the final verse of Genesis Chapter 2 and the first 8 verses of Chapter 3. This comes from the second creation story in the Bible. The first creation story is the day-by-day creation story of Chapters 1 and the first few verses of chapter 2. The second story is the one with Adam and Eve, which begins with Adam existing, then the creation of animals, and then God makes a companion for the human who then becomes named Eve. We pick up the story right after Eve has been created from Adam's rib.


Genesis 2:25 

And the man and his wife [Adam and Eve, though Eve has not yet been named] were both naked and were not ashamed.


Genesis 3:1-8

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other wild animal that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God say, ‘You shall not eat from any tree in the garden’?” 2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the garden, nor shall you touch it, or you shall die.’ ” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not die, 5 for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God,[a] knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food and that it was a delight to the eyes and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.


A talking serpent? That’s a bit creepy! But Eve doesn’t seem startled or taken aback by it at all - which is probably because she’s in Eden, and there shouldn’t be anything dangerous in there at all. This might not be a horror story per se, but it is the story of the loss of innocence and an attempt by an ancient peoples to explain why life is so difficult. This was a somewhat common creation story in the ancient Near East, with numerous variations. These stories look at the current day situation: painful childbirth, people die, it’s hard work tilling the land to create barely enough food, major day-to-day struggles just to stay alive, famines, plagues, droughts... So they came up with the idea that at one time life must have been easy and wonderful and, well, edenic. For the Hebrew peoples, this became the Garden of Eden. And then came the question, What happened that we aren't there any more? They decided that it must have been our fault. We must have done something to annoy the gods (or for the Hebrews, God). What did we do? We tried to become like them. They ate from the fruit of the one tree God told them not to eat from. This begs the question, What kind of a God creates an Eden, puts people in it, and then also puts in a tree that they aren’t supposed to eat from? That’s part of the scary in this story, I think - Adam and Eve, or humanity, has been set up to fail. And who created the snake? It had to be God. So what's up? And why such a horrific and severe punishment? Well, I'm not here to answer those questions today - I leave those questions with you, so you can experience the story without my interference (but I will add the note that these stories are also not meant to be taken literally, as a factual account of history, but are allegorical/mythological, so don't go too literal with it).


Here’s the rest of Chapter 3, which explains much of how life is suffering, and ends with some supernatural stuff that would look great in a movie.


Genesis 3

8 They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 He said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” 11 He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent tricked me, and I ate.” 14 The Lord God said to the serpent,


“Because you have done this,

    cursed are you among all animals

    and among all wild creatures;

upon your belly you shall go,

    and dust you shall eat

    all the days of your life.

15 I will put enmity between you and the woman

    and between your offspring and hers;

he will strike your head,

    and you will strike his heel.”


16 To the woman he said,


“I will make your pangs in childbirth exceedingly great;

    in pain you shall bring forth children,

yet your desire shall be for your husband,

    and he shall rule over you.”


17 And to the man[b] he said,


“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife

    and have eaten of the tree

about which I commanded you,

    ‘You shall not eat of it,’

cursed is the ground because of you;

    in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life;

18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;

    and you shall eat the plants of the field.

19 By the sweat of your face

    you shall eat bread

until you return to the ground,

    for out of it you were taken;

you are dust,

    and to dust you shall return.”


20 The man named his wife Eve[c] because she was the mother of all living. 21 And the Lord God made garments of skins for the man[d] and for his wife and clothed them.


22 Then the Lord God said, “See, the humans have become like one of us, knowing good and evil, and now they might reach out their hands and take also from the tree of life and eat and live forever”— 23 therefore the Lord God sent them forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which they were taken. 24 He drove out the humans, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the tree of life.


3.5 Or gods

3.17 Or to Adam

3.20 In Heb Eve resembles the word for living

3.21 Or for Adam


 All text is from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition.